On approaching 50.
In just a couple of weeks, my half-century clock turns over. That day is quickly looming over me like a shadow, reminding me of where I came from, and where I could be going.
It’s only a number. I don’t FEEL old. In fact, I emotionally feel younger now than I have in a long time. However, my body argues with me.
I groan on occasion when I stand up, but it is typically because I still sit like a teenager. I cannot sit in a chair with having my bent knee and my foot on the seat. It is just not comfortable. My back is often tired and sore because I have “poor chair” posture at the office. Some days, I fight to hide my gray hairs, which I lovingly call “sparkles”, and no matter what anyone tells you, there are NO miracle creams to fill or wipe away crows feet. Oh well.
Lately, though, I feel a strange fire in my soul. I want to spend the next part of my life SUCCEEDING and not just living.
I want to THRIVE and not merely exist.
And I will, dammit.
I am unclear if it’s because of my pending 50th, or if it is because of something else, but my focus has changed. I feel as though a spark has been lit within me, and I just want to make changes to redirect the next path of my life.
Looking back on my past 49 years, I have done A LOT. I have survived many obstacles and challenges, and I have put up with more than my fair share of other people’s shit. Perhaps, it’s because I felt I owed them all happiness. More likely, it’s because I am a chronic people pleaser, and have always yearned to be “liked”. Either way, my focus, and inner infrastructure have been altered. I no longer feel the need to put everyone else’s needs first.
Is this an “Age thing”?
Is there a point in your life, when you just want to lay your cards on the table and change your focus? Maybe it’s just me.
This fire that is burning inside of me, is a terrifying one. It could very easily turn into a raging blaze. Yet, it is so exciting, knowing that I can be consumed by my own flames. Maybe that’s what mid-life crisis is.
I want to do all the things that I have put off in the past. I want to succeed as a writer. I want to be a rock star at my job. I want to travel, and meet new people, and feel raw sunshine on my skin as I do everything I set my mind to.
I want to put all of the hard feelings I have carried for my first 50 years behind me, and feel light as air. And, I want to look at my life without regret. My goal is to forgive myself for all of the mistakes and the wrong choices I have made in my life, and not make efforts to fix or change them, but to learn from them.
I want to walk beside someone who truly loves me, and who shares my dreams and desires. The need is within me, to make my own independent choices, but have someone who respects them, and helps me make them come into fruition. I could do this alone, but, I hope I don’t have to.
Life is too short for “alone”.
No matter what my next 50 years look like, I know they will be driven by this tiny blaze, that fills my heart with appreciation, love, and the need to go forward. The people in my life will add gasoline to the flame, and that will ignite me to be the best I can be.
Here’s to the next half-century and the fire within my soul.