Many of my followers are aware that I write often about relationships, mental health, and abuse.
Through my experiences in the past, I have learned some methods and practices to help get through struggling times, and how to heal from the damages caused by others.
Lately, however, I have had great difficulties in following my own advice.
Some of the articles I have written in the past on these topics are: The Self Care Bliss List
What is the meaning of Bliss?medium.comThe Ladder of Forgiveness
A friend once asked me, “How did you manage to learn to forgive, and live a normal life?”medium.com9 Pieces of Baggage to Check at the Door, When You Begin a New Relationship
New relationships are always so exciting. First kiss, first hand hold, first shared meal, first intimacies…medium.com
The problem is, is I feel like a hypocrite, as I am unable to follow my own advice, during this break-up journey, from a 9-year long relationship.
I HAVE RAGE
This break up hasn’t gone as planned. The dynamics of our break up changed when my ex did something that I find appalling and extremely disrespectful. Because of the way things transpired, I have been struggling with deep anger that I can only describe as rage.
I was truly hoping that we could at least leave each other and stay amicable or at the very least “stay in touch when necessary”. He says he was “blindsided when he wasn’t. I say he disgraced me, and he disagrees. It is what it is, yet I still struggle with this blood-boiling rage. I have never felt this way about anyone before, let alone someone I once “loved’.
MY OWN ADVICE
If I was to take my own advice I would:
- Appreciate the love and good in my life. Find happiness in the love of my best friend and my supportive friends.
- Think about the happy memories I had in the past 9 years, and try to wish him the best, even though it is painful.
- Take the high road, try and turn my negative energy into positive, and move on.
- Focus on my life, and put the past behind me.
- See the good in the situation and congratulate myself for being strong.
- Take pride in my new life and situation, and thank him for the lessons he has taught me.
BUT I CAN’T , YET.
Just, not yet. I still have to empty the house we shared, of items and clothing that I thought I could leave behind until we resolved our differences, or at least until we decided the next steps in our separation.
However, I am so deeply angered and hurt by what he has done, that I NEED to remove myself and everything that connects me to him, as soon as possible. I need to put my past with him, in the past, and begin my new, fresh start.
HE IS A NARCISSIST
He is a predator. He is a narcissist and someone who has put my mental health in jeopardy, and I struggle with this daily. It fuels the fire of my rage, and makes me even more angry because I allow him to anger me. It is the vicious circle of being an empath, and dealing with someone who is narcissistic.
I keep reminding myself daily that what he has inflicted on me, past and present, is HIS doing. The response is MY doing.
Through it all, my responses have been scathing, hurtful texts, while he is off enjoying the vacation that was meant for me, with someone he met a few days prior to leaving. Her car, parked in our driveway, is just a reminder of it all, and it honestly makes me seethe and I have to fight the urge to be cruel to him.
I AM BLESSED, EVEN THROUGH THE RAGE
So, here I sit, reminding myself of the advice I have written after previous abuse, and after going through childhood trauma.
I read my own words, and shake my head, trying to get back in the head space I was in while I wrote the pieces. I will get back there again. Just not yet.
I am blessed to have someone in my life who truly understands my feelings and my pain. He just “gets me”. He loves me unconditionally. He is my shoulder when I cry, and my neutral friend when I need to vent. He makes me laugh until I cry, and cry until I laugh, and I love him beyond words, for this.
He is my rock, and the one person I trust with my heart, my soul, and my life. I have known him for almost 40 years, and at a time when I needed an angel, he appeared, as if the universe designed it that way.
Mostly, he understands why I rage. He empathizes with the pain I feel, and he not only takes some of it away, but he takes some for me. The gratefulness I feel for him is beyond comprehension.
It still doesn’t change the fact that someone I loved for 9 years stuck me with a cold steel blade through the heart. Once he pulled the blade out, he stabbed me again. I am trying to find the emotional capacity within myself to either pity him for being such a hateful human, or to forgive him so that I can move forward.
I will get there eventually. Just not yet.
Maybe I need this rage to remove myself once and for all from his life. Perhaps this rage is my fuel to keep moving through the hell within the house that should have been “home.”.
Rage is unhealthy, painful, and confusing for those of us who aren’t angry people. I have never felt I was an “angry” person, and can typically find the rainbow in every storm. In the situation that I am in right now, my rainbow is there, and I am beyond grateful, yet the rage boils on.
I wake in the middle of the night, lying awake for hours wondering how anyone could be so selfish, embarrassing, and despicable. Then the inventory of the house flips through my mind, and I mentally catalog what is mine, what is his, and what I need to take so that I can move on. Sometimes I fall back asleep, and sometimes I don’t.
I walk into our house and instantly am overcome with a seething heartbeat, and I feel an urgency to grab what I can and vacate before the walls suck me in. The house I once hoped would be our “dream home” has now become my nightmare, and the ghosts of bad memories lurk in every room.
I have a few more trips to the house to box stuff up and grab leftover clothing before I am finally done with that life. Part of me is dreading it, yet the majority of my heart cannot wait to put him and his issues behind me, forever.
I will master the rage, once enough time passes. I am patient for the most part, and immerse myself in the love of my best friend and my support group. I need to remember that even though this man has caused me to have extreme anxiety and PTSD, with all of his abusive actions over the years, there must be a reason for it. I know his childhood had some trauma as well, but having a partner for the past 9 years who has accepted his moods and his harsh words, and who has made attempts at helping him overcome his issues, should have been more effective. He should have learned that it’s not okay to objectify women. I tried to teach him that racism is NOT funny. I reminded him regularly, that his ex wife was toxic to us and to my self esteem, yet he never made the changes that would have helped us.
And now, his actions were a new low, even for him. And it feeds an inferno of anger inside me, which I absolutely hate. He has made me angry at him, at myself, at the situation, and at his new “good time” (as he refers to her). And I truly hate him for all it.
I will follow my own advice.
I will move past all of this.
I will extinguish the boiling anger flame inside of me.
Eventually, I may even forgive him, or pity him for his desperate insecurities and actions.
Just, NOT TODAY.
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