It was early 2014 when God put a seed of desire in my heart. Back then, I was running a wholesaling business from a warehouse in Welshpool, Western Australia. The desire was to get out of the warehouse and help one person at a time.
This blurry desire grew and became My Big Mission. I became obsessed with My Big Mission. It was all I could think of, nothing else mattered.
It finally evolved into a vision. By late 2015 I was convinced that my calling was to be a personal coach, to help the world one person at a time. I enrolled in a coaching academy, started my training in 2016 and finished it the following year in late 2017. All seemed pretty good so far. God called me to be a personal coach, and I completed the training.
I was ready to show the world what I was capable of. I had prepared myself for My Big Mission that God entrusted me.
2018 was supposed to be the year I was going to be His ambassador to the world! I had waited for four years, and I was excited, so ready, so much energy.
And then everything came tumbling down.
It was the year I experienced the five stages of grief.
It did not matter how hard I tried to get ahead the door was always slammed in front of me. I tried to be strong but in reality, I was pretending that everything was going according to plan.
Then I realised not even some of my closest friends bothered to help.
And it dawned on me. Maybe I was wrong? Did God put a desire and a vision only to leave me alone?
Or was there no vision at all? Maybe it was my own mind playing tricks on me for several years.
I started to have all of these thoughts swirling around in my head trying to make sense of the situations.
I held on to my vision only to find myself in denial. I kept telling myself that all the obstacles were not there. I tried to convince myself that the doors were not closed.
But they were.
And it led me to anger.
It was a time when I would say certain words to God which I would regret later on. My blood was boiling because of the unremovable obstacles He put in my life. I was so angry that I considered following Him to be a burden. Sometimes I wondered why He did not send a lightning bolt to fry my little self (I would).
And then I came across this verse:
But the Lord replied, “Is it right for you to be angry?” (Jonah 4:4)
As much as I wanted to confront Him, I realised I had no right to be angry. He provided everything, not me. So I persevered.
I asked God why He closed all the doors. Why was I not allowed to follow Him? What was wrong with helping other people?
Peter asked, “Lord, why can’t I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.” (John 13:37)
And His answer was.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.(Ecclesiastes 3:1)
I asked if I could get a small winning, a peek into My Big Mission. That was all I asked for, a smell of victory, a feeling of success.
And His answer was silence. I knew I had to wait a bit longer.
I started to feel like a failure. I blamed myself for not being good enough in getting coaching clients.
Then it struck me that maybe I was only in it for myself, not for the people I was supposed to help. I was selfish, and I had to pay for it.
Perhaps God was punishing me. I only wished I knew for how long. I was scared, tired, and helpless. I was suffering.
He answered with a verse.
In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to the one who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a Son, he learned obedience through what he suffered; (Hebrews 5:7–8)
If Jesus learned through sufferings, then I had no chance but to learn the same way. God wanted me to learn something valuable.
I always liked to write, mostly simple posts on social media and blog.
Around mid-2018, I started to write regularly. Writing grew in me. And for some reason, writing unlocked pathways in my mind that helped me to regain clarity, focus, calmness, and confidence.
Writing led me to realise how grateful I should be that God did not leave me in the midst of the five stages of grief. Writing also helped me to accept that My Big Mission was yet to come, but I should not be too concerned about it anymore.
This acceptance was the most difficult for me out of the five stages. But it was the only one that gave me the peace I needed.
This peaceful feeling helped me push away anger and depression. I was able to shift my perspectives on work, life, and calling.
My Big Mission — My Big Idol
God was always there for me. But I idolised My Big Mission to the point that it mattered more than God. And that was why I had to wait.
That was what He wanted me to learn.
I realised that nothing, not even a benevolent mission should take His place in my life.
Regardless of what I was doing (wholesaling, coaching, or writing), there was nothing better than to enjoy it.
It was God’s gift to us.
So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them? (Ecclesiastes 3:22)
While we could not comprehend His ways, we knew He made everything beautiful in its time.
We could trust Him.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
My Big Mission was yet to come, but I did not wait anxiously for it anymore.
My hope was not in My Big Mission anymore. My hope was in the Person who gave me My Big Mission, in God Himself.