by the universe that comes to life inside my head
All the space and time in which I can recall my existence. Everything that I have ever been, everything that I am and everything that I will ever be is there, inside my head. My notion of me. My notion of life. My sense of who I am.
My universe with no beginning and no end. A burning blackness and storm born out of all the contexts where my self used to lay and absorb life. Absorb ways to be, ways to think, ways to feel and thus sometimes not letting me be.
An entire world in itself that comes to life the moment I close my eyes and thus got nothing to deal with apart from my mind and my own thoughts.
What a tumultuous place is there, in the darkness of my mind. A downwards spiral with no end that walks me up and down, and up and down, showing me places I’ve never known before. Showing me decisions I never knew I was dwelling on. Pointing at hints to where I want to go. Showing me conflicts I haven’t met in a while. Showing me the noise I sometimes fiercely try to run away from.
Inside my head, is all the universe that is me.
Experiences exploding like supernovas when I’ve finally made sense of them and thus their purpose has come to an end. Life happenings that orbit my beliefs day and night, not managing to escape old patterns. Shattered remains of hurt and pain that travel like asteroids inside my mind, threatening to impact my life in ways I won’t ever control. Far away galaxies which I won’t ever meet in myself or have access to throughout this lifetime.
What a world.
Fights over what to say yes to and no to. Fights over my priorities and my “should be” priorities. Judgment and blame for what I’ve done and what I’m yet to do. Fear for what it is to come. Conflict between staying and leaving. Making sense of all the sacrifices along the way. Happiness and joys from things I’ve held dear. Excitement from my fantasies with the future.
Memories stuck in drawers that never want to come out again.
Hurtful conversations that never got closure. Feared experiences that were passed with ease. Deformed forms in which I seem to pour every new experience of some sort.
Memories stuck in drawers that yearn to come out when I don’t need them.
Gratitude for all the things well done. Infatuation for my success and identification with my achievements. Detachment from my failures. Trying to make sense of my failures. Fear of entrapment. Holding on to dear life.
All is there, in the universe of my mind. Exploding and imploding with every breath and with every attempt to just be.
Planets where I wish I’d stayed longer. Planets I wish I had never visited. Asteroids I wished had never hit. Stars I wished had shined longer. Stars I wished had never existed. Dust of experiences. The darkness with all the parts in me I’ve put beside and never want to see again.
What a world.
Yet, some parts of my mind are too far away to be noticed and observed. My universe is just the universe I can observe and become aware of. The other parts which I cannot reach will continue to pave my direction, pushing strong forward, probably without me even knowing it. Who knows what’s there? Nobody will ever, not even myself.
Yet I wonder…
Which one of all these comes from the mind and which one of them come from the heart? Where is the real me? Is this universe inside my mind and my soul the same? Is there an end where the mind stops and the soul begins? Is there an edge of my mind, where I fall into the further infinite of my being?
I think I’m starting to get it. To meditate, I mean. Or, more probably, to observe.
“You may think I’m small, but I have a universe inside my mind.” Yoko Ono
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