I tend to swallow my anger a lot. I am not sure if it is because I grew up in an alcoholic home, or what, but something inside causes me to stuff my angry feelings down deep inside of me. It is a really detrimental thing to have to deal with, especially as a wife and mother.
And I absolutely hate it.
It is honestly the very worst thing about me, and I hate it so much.
I try really hard to be patient with my kids and husband, but sometimes my frustration peaks and I explode. Then I spend days feeling guilty about blowing up on my innocent, undeserving family.
I feel kind of like a volcano sometimes, a volcano like Mt. St. Helens. Instead of letting the pressure off little by little, I bottle everything up, until it fills me completely, then erupts. My anger is devastating to anyone in its path.
In realizing that I swallow my anger again and again and that I have the tendency to blow up on people who mean the world to me, I have decided to change.
Here are a few things I have decided to try:
Talk about it.
Be that in talk therapy, talking with my spouse, or talking with close friends about my anger, expressing it releases the pressure. Talking about things like anger comes with a little bit of stigma attached. Especially as a housewife and mother, anger isn’t really something that fits who I am, or I should say, who I am perceived to be. But nonetheless, it is something I deal with on a regular basis.
Doing something physical.
We have a 100-pound punching bag in our basement that I sometimes go down and hit. Sometimes I go and play basketball. Sometimes I lift weights. Sometimes I go for a run. Sometimes I just go for a short walk. Physical activity also lets the pressure cooker valve release a little at a time.
Spend time alone.
Because I am a mom, alone time is in high demand. I have multiple tiny humans that need me, nearly 24–7. Every. Single. Day. They need me in the night, they need me in the day. And add on top of that the fact that we homeschool, and there isn’t a lot of time left over for me to just be me. So any chance I get I go and spend a little time by myself. A quick trip to Walmart, or even just to the gas station is good for my soul. It isn’t that I don’t love my family dearly. I do. It is more that I need to reset.
Do something I enjoy.
I love to play the guitar. I also love to watch Netflix. I love to color. I love to go camping. I love to play the Xbox. I love board games, and puzzles. There are a whole plethora of things that I love doing, that sometimes get put on the back burner because I am so busy raising kids and taking care of a household. It is refreshing to remember that I am more than just a mom and wife. That I am still me.
I have been writing here on Medium since September, and since that time I have noticed a huge change in how I deal with anger. Putting down my thoughts and feelings on paper helps me process them in a much healthier way than shoving them down deep inside. Finding others that can relate to me is also helpful because it means I am not alone. Knowing that helps validate what I am going through, and how I deal with things.
Though I am not perfect at it yet I am learning how to let go of my anger in a healthy way. I have learned how to deal with it more effectively, which is good not only for me but for others who are around me as well. I am a work in progress and have a long ways to go still, but I feel that in making headway with this anger thing brings me one step closer to the person I want to become.
It has been an interesting journey so far, and I look forward to continuing to work on myself and my anger.