Yep. Like a baby.
“Are you okay?”
10 seconds later…
Inner voice : WHY DID YOU LIE?
I have always had a bit of a problem expressing my feelings as far as I can remember. Expressing it to people outside my family circle, to be precise. At home? No problem at all. I can say and act exactly how I feel.
It must be the fact that when we know the other person has a great amount of love for us, we won’t hold ourselves back and say exactly what we want to say. Even if it’s hurtful at times. Which is why usually, the people who can hurt us the most, are the people we love.
I think it must be part of my culture too. We were always taught since we were very young, that we have to be polite, which of course, very true and very important. We have to be polite.
Things get a little bit tricky and confusing when it was time to define politeness.
What is politeness?
I had never quite grasp the definition of that one word.
I grew up being taught and shown that lying through my teeth saying something I don’t mean is being polite. I was taught that if my opinion has even the slightest potential of offending someone, I shouldn’t say it because it’s impolite.
“How do I look in my dress?”
10 seconds later…
Inner voice : LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE.
To this day, I am still re-educating myself.
“Do you really mean the words that are about to leave your mouth? Are you being true to yourself?”
Over the years, those are the questions I have to constantly ask myself every single time before I say something.
I was also taught not to be a nuisance to others. So when I’m not okay or when I’m hurting, I tend to keep it to myself. I saw a lot of people doing it as I grew up and assumed that this must be the norm and this is being nice.
Because I shouldn’t be selfish and be a burden to someone else.
Not only have I gone through hell many times in the past because of this belief I had held for so long, I have also been misunderstood equally many times.
For instance, one of my coping mechanisms is humour.
It was during my mother’s wake, 3 days before her cremation. Some people would look at me funny when I sporadically smiled or laughed during the 3 days wake. They probably thought something along the line of “How can she still smile or worse, laugh?”
Without even trying to get to know me a bit better or even trying to put themselves in my shoes, they gave me the look.
Truth be told, those first few days, I was as happy as the person who got her limbs chopped off.
But my whole family was in so much emotional pain. My father, my 2 younger brothers and especially my grandma, who had lost a child previously. Should I just break down and wail because that’s the appropriate reaction?
I was already in a hole and I didn’t want to dig deeper.
During my days of mourning, my boyfriend would constantly asked me if I’m okay. He would hug me and told me that if I’m not okay, I have to tell him exactly how I feel.
He taught me that being in a relationship means you’re there for each other. Not only for the happy times and the laughter, but also in sad times and tears.
That’s the extent of my inability to talk. To say outright how I really feel without masking my true feelings that I think others shouldn’t be burdened with.
I’m better now. A lot better. I’m better in expressing my thoughts and feelings. When I don’t like something, I say exactly how I feel. When I don’t feel good, I say I don’t feel good.
There’s always a chance that someone you say something to is unable to accept your truth. Maybe someone will ask for your opinion on something and you know that your honesty will upset him/her. Even then, BE HONEST.
Lies will snowball. You start with one and the next thing you know, you find yourself either buried in an avalanche or exploding from bottling up your feelings.
I’m still learning myself. Being vocal and honest is difficult. But it’s doable. I’m trying to draw out my inner child. The little girl who’s always very vocal and knows exactly what she wants and needs and how to use her voice to convey her wishes.
I think she’s coming out of the woodwork.