What would you consider a “waste of time”?
Is it sitting outside, staring off into space? Watching a TV show that you aren’t really into? Or maybe it’s talking with someone who you would rather not associate with?
I have recently found myself on a “time out” from work, while I work through some stuff in life. It’s okay, although I am a bit of a workaholic, so much of my time is now spent wondering what to do with my time.
Much of that time is spent staring out the window. I also find myself parked in grocery store parking lots, staring off into space. I have no idea what my mind is doing, or where my heart is, and I am okay with it all.
It is just weird. It’s not who I am, and it honestly feels kind of good to be able to stop and stare for a while, empty of all thought and emotion. It’s like I am taking multiple breaks throughout the day to just “be”.
I know I need a hobby or something productive to do. I “should” go for a run. I “should” try and get my life on some sort of track again. And, I will. I am pretty good at landing on my feet, and I am stubborn as hell. But, right now, I am stubborn enough to stare out the window of the house I am staying at, or stare out my windshield, as people pass me, pushing shopping carts. It is just where I am at these days.
Life in a Tornado
During the past few weeks, my life has been nothing short of a tornado. It has been emotionally draining, numbing, and scary as hell.
I made a decision to change my current life status, at the same time my doctor decided to change my anxiety meds.
I thought I did okay with it all. Until I wasn’t doing okay.
I had my 50th birthday the same day as my follow up doctor appointment to see how the new medication was working out. The staff at the clinic greeted me with “Happy Birthday” when I walked through the door. A few of the patients in the waiting room smiled and wished me a happy day as well.
I fought back the tears and went to see my Doctor. Following a few questions about “how I’m doing”, I fell apart slightly, spilling the beans on my new life status.
My doctor touched my shoulder and looked into my eyes, before he said, “I am so sorry Christina. I have put you through the perfect storm”. He wrote me a note to take a month off work to get my life settled, and that was when it hit me- “I am going through a crisis”. I pondered if it was the cheesy mid-life kind? Or was it simply a life-changing kind.
Then I shut off the noise, and stared out the window as he asked further questions. I answered as best as I could, without breaking down. He seemed satisfied.
Is it a Waste of Valuable Time?
So what, if I need to sit and shut out the voices and chaos of my phone blowing up with questions? Who cares if I want to ignore people’s feelings and concerns for my well being? People I haven’t spoken to in years are suddenly interested in what is going on with my life and I simply don’t feel like explaining.
Maybe I just need to stop it all and watch the tiny bird in the tree, hopping around. Perhaps, I need to just watch the wind blow branches in an April breeze. Or, then again, I can sit in my car and watch mothers pushing children in shopping carts, to fill their grocery lists for meal planning.
Never in my life have I ever had the skill set to simply shut everything off, and just stare blankly out a window, or sit outside and stare off into space, being distracted by a blowing leaf, or squirrel searching for food. I have never had the urge to sit in my car, listening with half an ear to music, while I watch out the window, as the world goes by.
I have always been on the run, going here, driving there, always busy, and always occupied with plans. If I didn’t have plans, I made them. If I couldn’t make them, I would go with someone else on their plans. I have ever been “idle”.
And you know what? I have come to realize that when we are going through a crisis, it is imperative to find a way to stop everything, and just “be”. No rhyme or reason to it, and no definitive purpose.
Just shut it all off, and spend some well wasted time in your own world.
Time is precious, and although some people may see my new habit as wasteful of time, I totally disagree. I think these are valuable moments, even if you are doing absolutely nothing.
Perhaps tomorrow I will take a walk, or even a run.
Or, maybe I will watch for the squirrel and just relax, staring out my window.