Once Upon A Time…
I remember the tremendous struggle I’d faced when I’d first started Homeschooling.
My parents told me about the big break from school when I was enjoying my short vacation. The big break was nothing but a one month leave from school. Just to study the difference.
I never wanted to do this. But I said yes, anyway.
That one month was probably the most terrible month of my life. Mostly because I had faced too much emotional turmoil. Constant ups and downs.
All day I would think about the bad things that might happen. I was desperate to get back to school.
Things got worse when my parents revealed homeschooling.
School was 80% of my life for me back then. And by 8th grade, my attachment level to the school environment had increased incredibly.
Revelation Of The Truth
It happened slowly. But it did. And it now sits deep inside my head.
I don’t exactly remember what happened that changed my mind. But something did. It was a grave discussion between me and my parents.
The negative and defensive atmosphere I was holding on had annoyed my parents. We had a round table conference after that, in which I openly expressed all that shit going on inside me. They gave me solutions, etc., etc. Something something happened, and I got convinced.
Then, I was happy about where I was and whatever was happening. I stopped troubling my parents. Got back on track and decided what I had to do next.
On one fine day, I saw my Mom packing my uniforms inside the bed. I stopped her and said, “Have I left school yet? I mean by the school’s means?”
“No. You still haven’t. And if you’re thinking of going back to school, do it.”
I had made my mind. I wanted to go to school with this new perspective I had just gained. To get things crystal clear.
And essentially to wipe out any doubts inside my head.
I packed my bag and hooked up my tie as I boarded the bus to leave for school. All my friends went, “Where have you been!?”
I didn’t tell everyone about the big change. Mostly because I wasn’t confident about it myself. And more than that, I wasn’t ready to answer the raging questions that followed.
I don’t like getting questioned. I never liked that. And that’s how I escaped an uncomfortable conversation.
After a few vague excuses, I started my day. And as the day unfolded, it revealed me the truths.
And the first question was, “Why was I dying to be here in the first place?”
Another event took place that pushed me even further. A LOT further. A simple hangout with friends taught me a lot.
Then another question popped up. “Were ‘these’ friends making you like school?”
I never answered the questions, but they woke me up from the sleep I was in.
There Are Still Some Pain Points
I miss school. Sometimes. Not every time.
I’ve lived the school life for 7 years. And it is still tough to quit the fascination. It is still there in my head.
The laughter, the riots, the fights, and all the planning. I miss it. I still miss it.
Whenever any of my friends talk about their schools, there’s a tug inside me. A sense of lack.
They narrate the stories and the huge mess that took place. The riots, the fights, revolts, etc.
When I see people partying around with all their friends, it’s a hard feeling to contain. Even I miss it sometimes.
The intelligent part of me says, “But you’re a lot better! You could’ve been worse! Who knows!?”
Then another one pops up and says, “But still. Look at all the other kids! They party. Go to canteens. Fight and create issues. Miss homework. Have projects. What fun!”
But what keeps me going? Ignoring. That’s what I’ve been doing. Or else this lack would’ve eaten me up long back.
Because one part is correct. And another one reflects my deepest desires. It feels correct. (To be honest)
The Guilt Part
I see kids getting ready till 6:30 am. They get ready, stuff themselves in buses, and get straight to school.
With a heavy bag and a heavy soul, they are ground in the schooling system.
Homework. Exams. Tests. Projects. Deadlines. Teachers. Social Pressure. Peer pressure. Expectations.
And then look at me. I sit here in front of the laptop, writing. I have the freedom to choose my career. My subjects. I have a routine that suits me. No deadlines and barely any challenges.
I am under no pressure. No pressure to score. No pressure to compete. Nothing.
Do I even deserve so much? Am I taking too much advantage? Am I sitting and cashing in on all the facilities?
Guilt. That’s what. And it hurts. Really, really hurts.
And it’s hard to tell yourself that this guilt is mind-created. And that it’s needless.
I feel afraid sometimes. Am I on the right track?
Homeschooling is an ongoing fight.
A fight with yourself and the world outside.
I have to fight my guilt. I have to fight my self-doubt. I have to fight my own hidden desires that bug me from time to time.
I have to fight judgment from others. I have to face the questionings of people. I have to fight their doubtful and questionable perspectives.
I summed up my journey in 900 words. And I think even 9000 won’t be enough.
But one thing is for sure, it’s a roller coaster ride for me!
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