Why Sending Me Shopping Is Unwise!
A while ago I was living under a cloud of doom and gloom. I’m still digging myself out of a hole I only made deeper, by being impetuous and rebellious. I’m talking about shopping… and spending money I had no business spending, certainly not on what I bought anyway…
There is a steep price, and I’m not talking just about the almighty dollar. I’m talking about breaking a trust that worth more than any money or credit card.
A trust that was built up, and then foolishly squandered. All just so I could make myself feel better… until the next time, I felt down, and repeated the same mistake, knowing full well, that if I can’t control my spending then I have no reason going places, where it’s all too easy to whip out the ol’ credit card.
I knew better than to spend money I didn’t have.
I did it anyway, and justified it to myself, all while knowing I was making a huge mistake and basically acting like a kid who just wanted what I wanted, and,” Don’t you dare tell me no! “.
In essence, I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted to get stuff because I wanted it… or my kid wanted it…But where does it end?
Before you know it, the numbers climb ever higher, and then the bill comes…
I knew that ultimately what I had spent would be found out eventually. The fact that I opened a new card, didn’t bode well for me either. Especially when I didn’t make it to the mailbox in time to hide my idiocy.
It’s just as well though…it’s utterly exhausting being stressed when inevitably, the truth will come out.
That I took the cat to the vet, and in the end, there was no point. Just more money that could be put to better use. Money saved, or money put toward bills, that in winter, are exponentially higher than usual.
The fact that I’m horrible with money is a well-known fact. That if you gave me money to do whatever I wanted, I would spend it in no time.
Sometimes I feel resentful and full of contempt, and rather than doing stuff I used to do. This is what I do. I rationalise what can’t be rationalised. Sometimes I basically use passive aggression to shoot myself in the proverbial foot or cut off my nose to spite my face.
In the end, I’m only hurting myself and my family.
I have gotten better, but that is neither here nor there…I might as well say,
“Well, I know I just drove over your foot, but at least I didn’t hit you head-on!”
“ Well gee, I’m ever so grateful! Thanks a bunch!”
I know for certain that material goods aren’t worth a fraction of love and trust.. I just have to remember that next time, when I’m in a position of trust, not to act or do what I’ve always done, and feel bad afterwards…Wash, rince and repeat…
By no means, am I striving for perfection, since even attempting such a feat would be futile and frustrating to say the least, and impossible.
To learn to do better in areas where I am lacking in knowledge or experience.
To learn new things and branch out.
To learn new patterns and build a new history, instead of living in No Man’s Land of Regrets…
To finally build a life and future that will carry on for my family.
That is something worth striving for!
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