That’s a result of abuse

I’ve been abused. not just a little bit, but a lot.

In many ways. A major part of my life.

So I’m thinking. Always.

I’m thinking that I’m being abused because I have been abused.

It’s hard to separate that thought from other things. Because I don’t know the difference between being abused or not. Because I am distrustful. I don’t trust anyone or anything. 

It can get so bad with my distrust that I sometimes even think that the one that truly loves me and is truly committed to me only wants me for the money?!?!

Because I’ve been systematically abused. I don’t know what life is without it. I’m raised in my youth to please the horrible and disgusting needs of others.

And now I struggle every day with the question if I am or letting myself being abused again or not. 

Whether it is realistic to think that or not. A major part of what I’ve done so far in life is to please others. And pleasing others doesn’t add to your own happiness if it doesn’t coincide with your own true calling or if it is against your wishes, your own norms and values, and nature.

So I don’t know how to love and be happy with myself, for I don’t know the real me, what’s underneath the abuse, the pleasing me.

I don’t know myself. I only know that it is not what it used to be.

I’ve been abused. By my parents, former partners, men, employers…

It can get really dark and scary inside of me. I used to have panic attacks all the time. Now I just start trembling all over my body.

I never knew what was wrong with me. What I was coping with or against. Until I recently found out the truth. The complete truth. The missing puzzle piece that has turned my whole world upside down. I’m grateful for that because I’ve finally learned the truth. I got the answer I was searching for.

I’ve always felt abused. Incest. But nobody would believe me. They said I was fantasizing it. Now I know my father was a child abuser, and not just with me in my early childhood.

My mother told me half a year before she died. That was her last trick to make me feel good about her. By making my father look like the bad guy and her as the victim and the hero who saved him.

But she wasn’t a victim. She knew. She played the game along to hide it for everyone, including me, to keep the secret. And she bitterly misused this power, so he – my father – would do everything for her. She was a narcissist, you know. They where a pathological symbiosis. They should never have had children.

But I am their child. I feel unrestful; afraid and on the alert for danger all the time. Even when it is not realistic, but I don’t know the difference.

My God, how am I suppose to deal with this predicament?

I live with a lot of feelings

Mostly fear, shame and guilt

Or confusion

I’m tired

Incredibly tired

I work

24 hours a day

I am absent all day

I am present all day

I do not feel that I live

Although I live with a lot of feelings

Life goes on

I do not come forward

I would like to join

I can not join

I do what I have to do

I do not meet what I have to do

By my own measurements

Which are sky-high

To compensate

For what I miss(ed)

A setback

is too much

Then I can not think anymore

And I panic

Nobody can help me

I can only help myself

I have to do it myself

It can get really dark inside of me. And then suddenly this thought crossed my mind. The only thing that is really the matter with me is that I have lacked love in my life.

I should bring love in my life. I’ve never really understood love.

And I discovered that it all starts with self-love.

And I can finally start loving myself, now that I know I wasn’t wrong. That I can trust my intuition. That deep down there is a voice, a sweet, loving and caring voice. And she was always right.

She tells me how to love myself and what true love should all be about.

I am slowly finding myself back again. My own little voice, without the thick layer of being abused, the anxiety disorder and the PTSD. Which I finally know I have.

She must be a very courageous, strong, beautiful and wise person, for she is still here. Somehow she survived it all. I know how she did that, for I was there too. 

I want to meet her. My inner child. And I want to love all of her. Comfort her, hold her, love her with my whole heart, as she has never been loved before.

It’s the only remedy.

My Inner Child, I see you!

Remember when your were a child
You could dance with the sun and the moon
Do you still know it, child?
You could play with the wind

Where were you when you were a child?
Were you lost in a dark vault?
Where were you child?
Were you hiding in the night?

Life is short
Very briefly along the soul of existence
As short as a whiff of the wind
If you do not capture the essence

And I would want nothing more for you
Then to go back with you to the world of child
To give you all the happiness and love
That you’ve so missed and so desperately sought

I see you now, as you were, child
Alone and confused in the world of yesterday
I see you now, child
And I protect you with my strength

I feel you now, you are in me
Deep inside my inner heart
I have refound you, child
And I see you for who you are

I will take you forever with me
Uninhibited and liberated to the world of child
Safe for fear and sadness
And I will never lose you again

Unleash yourself from the past, child
Play freely now in the world of light
You are forever my inner child
Salvaged in my heart

(The child that could never have been)

Encourage yourself, believe in yourself, and love yourself. Never doubt who you are. Above everything else, genuinely love yourself first. Self-love is powerful and it’s the best love that you will ever have. When you love who YOU are, your relationships will be healthier and your life will be happier. Self-love sets the standard in how we allow others to treat us and how we treat ourselves. Your happiness and well-being is important. Protect it by always valuing who you are!— Stephanie Lahart, Overcoming Life’s Obstacles: Enlighten-Encourage-Empower

Photo on Pexels adorable-asleep-baby-38535

Reinventing myself through writing | Be Yourself and Be Authentic | Living from the heart.
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Reinventing myself through writing | Be Yourself and Be Authentic | Living from the heart.

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