Making changes in your life is a difficult and daunting task.
I recently walked away from a 9-year relationship, where I felt that I had very little control. I have regained a great deal of it back, and it scares the shit out of me.
My therapist refers to my lack of self-control as “programming”. She told me that in order for my own self-control to be happy and strong, I need to de-program my past. The problem is, however, is the past isn’t “the past” yet.
We still have the house, and all the other administrative nonsense to deal with, and we still have daily communication.
The Struggle Really is REAL
Having someone in your life continually tell you what to do, listening to their protective “be carefuls” and “make good choices”, sentiments for almost a decade has made me question my own strength and power.
I wonder if I would have been able to survive without his continual voice in my head, wondering what I’m doing, where I’m going and whether or not I was “choosing wisely”.
On the other side of the coin, historically, he wasn’t making good choices to benefit our relationship. In fact, his choices were unkind, wrong, and crippling to my self-esteem.
So, I struggle with how to regain my strength and power and how to move on, under my own self-control.
Simple things like decorating my own home, planning girl nights, and even venturing off on my own, while I was in my relationship were challenging. I always felt as though the final say was never mine, but his.
It’s much like trying to swim against a current, or banging your head against the wall of the inside of a glass jar. It’s exhausting and I never felt heard.
So Now What?
Now I am staying at a friend’s house, and although I am beyond appreciative, I need to respect her home and her rules. She has daily visits from her grandkids and their mother, even while I am in the house alone, so again, my self-control is diminished. It is not my space, although my room is nice and quiet.
I have all of these fresh opportunities to start new, on my own, under my own control, but I have no idea where to begin. I have looked at places to call my own, and they scare and excite me. I have been given time off work to get back on my feet again, and it makes me feel lost.
Work was the one place where I had the majority of control in my life and the least chaos.
So, I sit and spin.
I waste time staring at my computer screen trying to come up with something to write about, and it’s all sad sounding and whiny -I am unsure if that is actually how it sounds, or if it’s the programming that makes me feel this way.
Regardless, I need to face my own self-control and push through. I know I need to make some very hard choices and I need to be accountable for them.
I turned 50 on March 27, and spent the day trying to take “control”. I packed my car and drove to the mountains to spend a day in the quiet, under the comfort of fresh hotel sheets. When I arrived, I discovered that I had booked a hotel in another country through booking.com, inadvertently.
Apparently, there is a Banff Springs Hotel in Alberta and the UK. Go figure.
So, after a small panic attack, I managed to find a different hotel to cry in. I realized at that point, that perhaps I am not strong enough to do my own shit, and control my own life. I have always had someone else to do that stuff for me. That was a serious eye-opener. My inner voice said, “Girrrrl, you messed up! You can’t do anything without his help.” That made me beyond angry with myself.
But, I made the best of it and ended up enjoying my day thoroughly, and I was fortunate enough that the mistake was reimbursed. Thank goodness.
I take every day, one at a time. I look at my day in ten-minute blocks, rather than 24 hours, and it seems to help. I have been diagnosed with late-onset PTSD and have high anxiety, so I make sure I medicate daily, and try to relax.
Today is a huge step forward because I am finally able to write and rationalize some of my feelings.
The Chaos of Being Alone and the weird silence have given me time to try and regain my own power back. The Chaos of Being Alone
Breakups are hard.medium.com
There is no TV on, and only soft music playing in the background, and it makes me feel relaxed and uneasy. It is very unnatural compared to where I have been over the past 9 years. My new environment is weird but oddly satisfying, for now.
I simply need to find a way to embrace the newness and see it as the Spring of a new life.
And, find my power and self-control, once more.