But they can make you shine at work.


The urban definition of business jargon(or corporate bullshit in a cruder language) is something like this.

· A new language that looks and sounds just like English, but is actually lies and propaganda spewed forth by big corporations that just want people to be good consumers and give them their money.

· Often accompanied by Legalese in barely readable fine print or spoken rapidly.

At first glance, the topic of bullshit is very much filed under humor. It’s hilarious, isn’t it?

But it is not. It is actually serious stuff. Stuff used to Survive and thrive.

In fact, pompous business jargon is vital for maintaining the self-esteem of people who are crap at everything else, research has found. A new study has discovered that if unable to make statements like ‘action that vision document for a quick win’, most businesspeople will find themselves feeling unimportant and worthless.

In fact, the study brings up a new dimension to the phenomena of self-esteem. Self-esteem is derived from being good at something. But those who can’t do anything well are drawn to the business world, where you are respected rather than laughed at for using expressions like ‘paradigm shift’ and ‘bleeding edge’.

And to save you from yourself (and to keep your colleagues and customers from strangling you), I have assembled a cache of expressions to assiduously avoid.


Think of the Big Picture

No one exactly knows what is the picture been talked about and how is it “big”. In simple terms, this means “Buddy, do not expect me to review your work. I know something is missing but don’t know what it is.”


This is what it is

This is another way of saying “Who the hell asked you to apply your brain and come up with something different? Just do what is expected and that is it!!!”


I May Have a Window for You

This phrase mostly used by arrogant leaders convey that “I am very very busy and you are committing a crime by disturbing my schedule. But I am still taking pity on you and sparing some time for you. Don’t expect that always!”


Think Outside Of the Box.

This is another phrase which has been misused badly time and again. In Layman terms, it means “Your work is ok, but I am not happy with it. You need to come up with something innovative. Don’t ask me what!”


Let Us Shift the Dial Right

What is this “dial” and why it has to be shifted “right” no one seems to know.The only interpretation possible is “We need to change our approach, but you figure out how it is to be done!”


Let Us Go Ahead and Address That Elephant in the Room

In Simple terms this fantastic phrase means “Guys, We all acknowledge that we have big issues to solve which are lurking very close by. Now I have given you the hint, now you go and find it out!”


Let Us Not Boil The Ocean.

This is another trendy jargon which is a must-have in order to be perceived great. This means “We should not reinvent the wheel but you need to find out where the wheel is. If you find out, all credit goes to me!”


I Need To Get My Ducks in a Row

This is a classy way of saying “I have no time to breathe and manage nitty-gritties, which is why I am so disorganized. So bear with me and adjust yourself accordingly to my whims.”


It Is On My Radar

This is one of the most commonly used phrases, mouthed by “busy” executives. This conveys that “I know you are awaiting inputs from me for quite some time now, but then again I don’t seem to have time to spare for your trivial activity. So do what you feel fit and stop troubling me!”


Open the Kimono

This is a creepy phrase whose origin is unknown and has a somewhat “sexist” twist into it. Another variation can be “Keep your Kimono closed”. In Layman terms this means “Reveal all the information you have, do not hide anything from me!”


Related.

Technology manager, poet, archaeology enthusiast, history maniac and also an avid blogger. I look at each day as a new flower waiting to unleash its magic. Visit Ravi on Medium.
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Technology manager, poet, archaeology enthusiast, history maniac and also an avid blogger. I look at each day as a new flower waiting to unleash its magic. Visit Ravi on Medium.
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