Finding My Mojo After Sickness and Anxiety
I have to admit, with full disclosure, that I have given up workouts over the past few weeks.
I know what all the fitness people are going to say; “But it’s so good for you” “You will have more energy” “Your body will thank you” and all the other bla bla bla words. I know. I KNOW.
You want to know why I haven’t been doing workouts? Because of life.
Because of priorities, and because I have had the flu. Because of the fact that I have been working stupidly long hours and because I have been really focussing on writing. Because, damnit, I have been tired.
Days have slipped away, one after the other, and I have MEANT to go to my downstairs gym and do a full workout with my weights and my spin bike. But, I just haven’t been mentally able to do so.
Part of this is also anxiety and depression sneaking in over the past couple of weeks, or maybe months. I honestly don’t know. But when I get home after work, I tend to see my couch or the computer, and my brain migrates toward them. My body doesn’t fight back.
It is so easy to not commit an hour a day to something that is hard. It’s easier to sit and relax in brain draining solitude while another rerun of Friends plays on the TV. It’s easier to not make your heart and other muscles pump and work until your strength is depleted. It’s easier to lay down on the couch as the minutes of the day rapidly tick by.
It’s easy to not challenge yourself and to say “fuck it”.
I can tell that my body is changing since I have given up workouts. I tend to eat less now, drink very little water, and just feel tired. It has become a vicious circle lately that I am struggling to crawl out of. I feel saggy and bloated, and just haven’t seemed to find the mindset to give any fucks.
I have no energy. Why? Because I am not working out. I am not working out, because I have no energy. I don’t drink my 4 litres of water every day. Why? Because I haven’t gotten back into my workouts. I haven’t gotten back into my workouts, so I don’t prioritize my water intake. Gahhhhhh!!! The whole thing has made my head spin. And I KNOW the right answers. I KNOW the solution. I need to just fucking get downstairs, blast my music and work hard. It will help all of the problems and issues I am having. At least I hope it will.
Anxiety, especially after a sickness, is debilitating. It creeps in and tells you how tired you are. It reminds you that you aren’t worthy and that you may as well just give up. It’s evil and malicious, unless it’s what you want to hear, or feel that you need to hear what it’s telling you. Then it becomes your comfort.
IT BECOMES YOUR EXCUSE-For everything.
I have determined that having the flu for a week, planted seedlings for my anxiety to grow. It reminded me that I can become weak. It also reminded me that I can become powerless and vulnerable, even if deep down, I am Wonder Woman. It became my kryptonite, because I allowed it to. It made me feel depressed, helpless and exhausted.
Not this time ANXIOUS SELF. Not this time!
TODAY is the day. I am sitting here writing this quick blog while the washer and dryer hum away in the background. Once the dryer dings, I will hang and fold the fresh, warm laundry, then retreat to my lady cave in the basement. THIS I PROMISE MYSELF.
This morning, I woke at 6:30, after a long sleep, and I feel somewhat rejunevated. Things in my life are back on track. My relationship with my guy is the best it has been in years. I feel healed from my flu. I am caught up (mostly) at work, and I have a couple of articles in “cue” for publications.
Plus, I put my workout clothes on and tugged my hair back into a ponytail.
That, is basically my CUE to get off my ass and workout.
That ponytail that sticks off the back of my head, says “I mean business”. If my hair is all down around my shoulders in curls, or freshly straightened, I tend to NOT want to workout, because I have the excuse of “but I don’t want to mess my hair”. It gets all sweaty and knotted up from exerting my body and bending, cycling and lifting. It’s annoying if it’s flipping around in my eyes and face. Maybe it’s just best, if I relax and watch TV or write, or tidy up the house.
Today, my ponytail, and workout clothes have given me back my strength and my power.
Maybe that’s the answer. While I was down and sick, my energy has been so depleted that even putting my hair back seemed like a daunting task. Today, it was easy. Today, my ponytail has made me feel more powerful than I have in weeks.
It’s time to put my big girl ponytail in, and throw on some loud music.
LET’S DO THIS.