To: email@example.com; seeker firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com…
Subject: Help! I think hackers hit me again!
Hey, gang —
Hope everyone is well these days. I just wanted to alert you all that I think my email account got hacked, again. You all remember when something like this happened back during the Crusades, though it was way slower that time because it was proclamations sent by horseback. It took centuries to sort that one out and boy, was it a mess.
But now, all kinds of crap messages have been going out in my name. There’s the same old nonsense about how the rich, white, Western folks are more blessed than the poor, non-white, non-Western folks, yada yada yada. Which always makes me laugh, because, you know, those poor, non-white, non-Western folks were my original posse (wait — do people still say “posse” in this space/time continuum?).
Look out for the condemnations
Other bogus emails have gone out from my account about how I supposedly condemn homosexuality, and abortion, and heretics, and I don’t know what all. But if you have studied my stuff, you know that I don’t have a thing to say about any of those aspects of your lives.
I wasn’t going around condemning things, except maybe hypocrisy. I’d call out hypocrisy in a heartbeat. But that’s about it.
Really, I was too busy working on my core messages: loving G*D more than anything, loving each other and loving yourselves. I showed you if you did those things, and were even willing to suffer for them, you’d have more joy, less conflict, and purpose in life. Also better parties, like at Cana.
Believe me, that was enough work for one human lifetime, which for me was pretty short, if you’ll recall. I’m not bitter, though. My choice.
And, if you can believe it, there are even more emails, claiming to be from me, talking about whose side I’m taking in those wars you people keep having. Please. Okay, that one time I may have said I was bringing not peace but a sword. But I also said you shouldn’t use it unless you really had to.
So anyway, if you get one of those bogus emails that looks like it’s from me, PLEASE don’t forward it or click any links or spread that junk in any way at all, or your account might end up getting hijacked, too.
How you can tell whether a message is really from me:
- I’ll never, ever ask you for your username or password. You know I already have all that information.
- My messages are not encrypted. I mostly use simple words, and mostly I mean what I say (except when I’m trying to get your attention with a riddle).
- You do not need to log in to read my messages, and you can forward the content to anyone you want to. Anyone who says it’s only for “qualified readers” is listening to those Executive Board members. (Remember? The guys who took over my organization, early on, and then fired me as CEO? They’re the onesplaying that “members only” game, not me.)
- My messages aren’t usually mean. Yes, I know — I snapped at that rich young man that time, but he was getting on my last nerve. He just kept whining, “But what should I do?” Man, I had told him, plain as day, what he should do: sell all that junk you’re holding on to; give to the poor; follow me and learn to do what I do…is that so complicated? I told him I loved him anyway, but he was walking away, so I don’t know if he heard me.
Well, this is already too long — I’m supposed to make myself scarce during your season of “Lent” and all the way through “Holy Week.” The good people of your “churches” think it heightens the excitement of the big reveal on what you call “Easter.”
I guess that’s so — people who don’t come all year long will show up just to make sure they see me show up, one more time. (Have I ever missed? Even once?) And I’m available all the time, of course, but some people just can’t wrap their heads around that.
Well, it’s good to see them, even that once. And then again when they give me a birthday party.
I admit, Easter is a terrific celebration, and everybody gets a kick out of it, what with the brunches and egg hunts and such. Plus I like watching them pretend to like that candy they never eat the rest of the year. You people are amazing
Anyhow, I just wanted to remind you again to check out all the messages you get claiming to be. Be sure they really are. It’s hard enough to remember everything we’ve been working on without getting conned by all the spiritual grifters out there. Sometimes you’ll mess up.
But your teacher loves you just the same and can’t wait to see you.
Sooner or later.
Yeshua “Jesus” bar Yosef
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