But You Know You Can’t.
Lately, I’ve been in a rut. I feel like withdrawing from the world. From my family. From everyone and everything. Yet, I know it’s not a wise or feasible option. I feel like I’m in perpetual Stand-By Mode. Waiting For Further Instructions. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, or perhaps it fell off a long time ago, I just didn’t notice while in my abject misery. I just feel lost.
Lost in life. Lost in Limbo. Lost. Period.
I don’t always feel like this. I have moments of clarity. Moments of disgust with myself for feeling the way I do. I don’t know how to get myself out of my perpetual black hole. I’m afraid of being a burden. I feel I AM ALREADY BURDEN. A Burden no one wants. No one wants to look at perpetual misery, do they? And I don’t blame them. When I’m in a good frame of mind, I don’t want to be “brought down”. Why should I expect anyone else to?
I’ve lost friends this way. I just couldn’t see what I was doing. I was alienating myself, and consequently losing people who were near and dear to me. Though truth be told, one of the friends was no longer a good friend. We had drifted far apart. Another friend inadvertently warned me I was being too negative, but I chose to ignore it, and lost a very good friendship.
I now know she was dealing with her own issues, and certainly didn’t need my problems to add to her own. I have told people I no longer wanted to be in contact for the very same reason. We all have choices to make. It’s what we do with our choices, which matters. I keep telling myself this. Though the message is lost in translation in the perpetual fog in my head.
I have a family I have to be present for. Though, I feel like I’m a drain on resources. Not because I hear it. But because of the infinite lies swirling about in my head. I know they are lies, but I start believing them anyway.
Part of me wants to wallow. Part of me wants someone to shake some sense into me. Shake the bullshit lies in my head and heart out forever. I want to be free of my pain. I am frankly exhausted by it.
Part of my frustration is feeling like I’m floundering. I’m looking for a GPS in my life, but the compass is misplaced. I know it’s around somewhere. I just can’t see the forest for the trees.
I wish this feeling was as easy as Tayor Swift’s song.” Shake It Off!”. Life is not so simple. Maybe my misery is just a comfortable sweater I wear? Maybe I don’t trust happiness at all. I’m afraid of it being taken away by some tragedy or what have you. But this is no way to live. I must find a better way. What it is, I have no clue. I’ll keep searching, and keep my faith in “This Too Shall Pass”.
In the meantime, I do appreciate the platform of Medium, if only to know I’m not alone. There are many others, I know who struggle. So thank you for bearing with me as I flounder.