The Secret of Decision-Making From Tony Robbins and Me
I have a suggestion for anyone interested in physical intimacy: wait.
Draw a line in the sand. Throw down the gauntlet. Challenge your partner: “am I worth waiting for?”
Make that decision for yourself. Decide that you are worth waiting for.
“But,” you object, “no one waits, these days.”
At the risk of sounding like my mother, I respond, “be the one who does. Start a trend.” (I always hated it when she said that.) But the reality is, you are worth it. If you love yourself, you’ll dig in your heels and expect him to love you too. Love, not lust.
Waiting is how you find out if they’re in it for the long haul.
Tony urged us: make a decision, make a lot of them and get good at making decisions. I really liked what he said, so I tried it. The results were amazing, because, well — I stopped worrying. That’s what I was really good at. Worrying, not loving.
I used to worry all the time about everything. It was like a deeply ingrained ostinato running in the back of my mind, literally wearing ruts in my brain: “ooh, what if this happens? I can’t handle that, uh, oh, this isn’t going to work out — “ on and on. I’d get tired, eat too much refined sugar, and stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning, worrying, until I finally fell asleep. Then, I’d have vivid nightmares about things that might happen. Or worry about things that happened decades ago and how I could fix them.
It was bad.
What got me out of constant worry was reading Leslie Householder’s Book The Jackrabbit Factor, and I follwed up by exploring some other stuff on her website A Rare Kind Of Faith a rarekindoffaith.com.
So, when I decided to try online dating, I worried about it a lot, first. Then, I ate some chocolate and thought, “some other time, I’m not ready.”
I put it off so long, but I really hated being alone, so the idea kept coming back.
I put it off so well, I was in my fifties when I finally decided to do it. And by then, I had developed a tiny speck of self-esteem: I didn’t want just any guy, and I wasn’t going to “give it away” to someone I barely knew.
I’d made that mistake before. I lived with my first husband for a few months before we got married. That was before I discovered that 70% of marriages that begin with cohabitation end in divorce. That, plus the mother-in-law from Hell, and my husband’s new girlfriend meant our marriage had almost zero chance of making it.
This time, I openly declared I was only looking for a serious relationship with someone who shared my faith and liked a few of the things I did. Someone who was willing to wait while we figured us out.
I did what Tony Robbins recommended (though I hadn’t read his book yet). I made a decision and stuck with it. That way, I could stop worrying about it. When those pesky little demons danced around in my head, taunting me with thoughts of failure, I could swat them away with
“I made a decision, beat it.”
Yes, it’s about purity and holiness and all that, but it starts with love. Loving yourself. It is possible. Just make a decision to do it. If you’re having trouble with that (I did, we all did.), break it down:
- Make a decision to love God. That way, you learn what Love is, and you learn how to love.
- Then choose to love yourself. That’s the commandment Jesus gave us “love your neighbor as yourself.” Doesn’t work unless you love yourself first. Struggling with that? Go back to #1 and surrender to His love first. Can’t really skip that step.
- Then you can love others, especially your significant other. Don’t you want the best? The best is someone who loves himself — not narcissism, that’s not love — but a healthy, self-care kind of love and appreciation of himself as wonderfully made by the Creator. When you decide to love yourself, you become that person worth waiting for. You become his best, the only one for him. And you have so much love to share with your SO and others, because you’ve figured out what love is and how to do it.
All we have on this Earth is time, and our time is limited, so it’s precious. Offering yourself and one other the gift of time is more valuable than diamonds. So make a decision to wait, learn and love.
You’re absolutely worth it.